Sunday, May 28, 2006


I kicked the screen off the track of the patio door a week ago. I wasn't even drunk.

It's been hot out and while I wait for maintenance to re-install the door, I've been opening the door without a screen and tolerating the occasional flying thing coming in.

What I did not anticipate, with all my moving of things from closets and under beds, was finding a spider the size of my fist crouching behind a picture I'd leaned against the wall in my bedroom. How did she get past me? I have no idea. I am still giving myself chills just thinking about her.

No doubt she was a harmless, ordinary garden spider, but damn was she big. Brown, with jointed legs and a pointy fat body. She had to have a legspan of about 3 inches. Hell, I've seen tarantulas who were smaller.

She never moved from her resting spot until I blasted her with the first spray of bug killer. She made a break for it and I kept spraying from the relative safety of my bed as she legged it for the dark place under the chair in the corner. I kept spraying towards her, my whole body tingling with chills, as she twitched and moved ever slower toward what must have seemed like freedom. A puddle formed on the floor. She would stop moving and I would spray to see if she moved, and she did, resisting the chemicals assaulting her central nervous system. Finally, convinced she would not move for a few seconds, I ran and grabbed paper towels to sop up the pesticide on my floor and stepped on them to ensure her demise. I scooped up the mess with a publisher's catalogue and threw it in the trash, the mopped up the bedroom floor.

Dear Simon Spotlight: I regret that I was unable to review your Fall 06 offerings. Please send a new copy of your catalog at your earliest convenience.


Anonymous dre said...

Simon Spotlight sucks anyway.

5/29/2006 10:52:00 AM  
Anonymous dre said...

p.s. I hope you get that screen door fixed NOW! Is it beyond easy repair?

5/29/2006 05:49:00 PM  
Blogger karen said...

She was a wolf spider. We've got them here, too - they're the ones we occasionally convert to pets when they're too big to squish.

1. Spiders as big as mice are, in fact, creeeepy.

2. Hairy spiders as big as mice actually groom themselves leg by leg, neatly smoothing the hairs all over in a ritual similar to a cat. Somehow, my compassion for wolf spiders grew after I learned they are ritual groomers.

3. We installed new basement window last year and did not find any wolf spiders in the basement thereafter. We now have mice, however. While we fed our "pets" live crickets (and other live spiders found in the basement...), I read that wolf spiders eat mice (and frogs, in Australia). Hmm...

5/29/2006 07:57:00 PM  
Blogger bibliofilly said...

I actually feel kind of bad that I killed it. I normally reserve all kinds of respect for spiders because of the work they do, but if they take me off guard, I will lash out and just kill them.

I usually try to kill or remove large insects before the cats see and decide to play with it, since they will just bat it around till it's maimed and lose interest and I'll have to do a mercy killing anyway. I also never know which ones might actually be harmful to kitties, so I'm a bit nervous about finding out the hard way. I've done my time in the pet poison control center already.

5/30/2006 08:47:00 AM  

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